I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
