So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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