Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
