you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
