Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
