Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
