Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
