A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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