my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
