I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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