what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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