I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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