dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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