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you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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