You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
