Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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