I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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