you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
We smell like vodka and hangover
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