My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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