a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
