Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
