were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
