I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
