there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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