Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
