Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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