i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
