All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
