I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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