Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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