I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
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