You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
