I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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