i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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