i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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