Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
