what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
