2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
