That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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