seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
