She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
