i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
