if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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