You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
