Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
