yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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