Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
