there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
