we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
