Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
