Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
